I’VE just heard from a friend in who lives out west. He says it has been raining heavily for three days now. His wife has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn’t stop soon he’ll probably have to let her in.
A LADY walked into a police station and the Desk Sergeant said, “Can I help you?”
“Yes,” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sexual assault.”
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road,” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg.”
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman,” said the Sergeant.
“Yes,” said the lady. “He was an Aussie cricketer.”
That’s very observant,” said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”
“No,” she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long.”
TWO gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”
“Am I hurt?” he shouts. “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”
A MAN said to wife, “Right, you sexy thing, to the bedroom, now!”
She looked at him and said, “Ooh, you kinky bastard.”
He said, “No, seriously, the footy’s starting—fuck off!”
A SWEET grandmother telephoned St Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”
ONE Monday morning, Postman Pat is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Postman Pat comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I.”
Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, “How do you play Who Am I?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughs and says, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded. “Your name came up seven times.”
DURING our recent flood in Far North Queensland, a young girl was perched on the roof of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.
“Do you see that hat?” said the girl in amazement. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” replied the boy. “It’s only my dad. This morning my mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today.”
WENT to Centrelink this morning to sign on my dog.
The woman said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit.”
I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, idle, can’t speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country!
TWO Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says, “Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
”Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon—every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage. We ees in the desert, don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe, go back, man. You was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees, ees, ess, ess… ess a ham bush!”
A PROFESSOR at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience.”
Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way up to the podium.
“So, Ahmed,” the professor says, “tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
“Ghost? Oh shit!” says Ahmed. “I thought you said goats!”
OVER in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up, “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”
“That’s no use, Trevor,” said the speech therapist. “Who’s next?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley.”
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, “London.”
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry.”
THE Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Trump. They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”
President Trump said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, Su Lu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.
President Trump smiled, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered back, “Because it takes place in the future.”