This Month's Jokes
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”
“That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby,” he tells her.
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have!”
“That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby,” the body builder tells her.
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
“I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”
The Rabbi and the Priest
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
“Yes, that is still one of our laws,” the rabbi responded.
The priest, still curious, continued, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
“Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, he said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
Choosing a Wife
A man wanted to get married but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. To help decide he gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make-up, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
English Football
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4—0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. “Hello, mum, guess what?” he says in an Iraqi accent. “I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4—0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.”
“Wonderful,” says his mum. “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time.”
The young lad is very upset, “What can I say, mum, but I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry? Sorry?” says his mum. “It’s your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”
The Redneck
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there!” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
Working Wife
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 10 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He got out of bed, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the lamb chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
Talented Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. It can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he agrees to wager anyone who has an instrument that his octopus can play it.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.
Then Jimmy, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can ye nae play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
Misunderstanding
“Hi mum. How are you?”
“Hi son. Where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunnings.”
“Yeah, we were, but I got arrested. They’ve let me make one phone call.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, I punched this sheila in the head.”
“What on earth…”
“I don’t really think it was my fault though. Dad told me to go find a Black & Decker.”
And So The Christmas Season Begins
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“In honour of this Holy Season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” Saint Peter said.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
Arrivals
Forty Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying, “I’ve got 40 Gypsies here. Can I let them in?”
God says, “We are over the quota for Gypsies today. Go back to the Gates and tell them to choose between them, which are the 12 most worthy. I will let just the dozen in.”
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. “They’re gone,” he yells down the phone to God.
“What?” says God. “All 40 of them?”
“No, the Gypsies are still here, but the flippin’ Gates are gone.’
Take Offence
I met a bloke with no legs this morning at the bus stop, and all I asked was, “How are you getting on?”
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked.
“Probably,” said Paddy. “She burns everything!”
A Gypsy girl sent an email to an agony aunt. “I am 12-years-old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.
They reckon that beer contains female hormones, and I think they are right. After eight pints I talk crap and can’t drive.
What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a Paki with a rucksack? The Paki with a rucksack only goes “Boom” once.
A vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist, “Is the porn channel in my room disabled?”
“No” she replies, “it’s just regular porn, you sick bastard.”
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
“How can you tell them apart?” I asked.
“Her brother has a moustache!”
A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. The doctor asks, “Can you describe the symptoms to me?”
“Yes. Homer is a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.”
Password Audit
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney. When asked why she used such a long password, she said she was told that it had to contain at least eight characters and one capital.
The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Nursing Home
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah says with a big smile. “There’s a musician here. He’s 85-years-old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here. He’s 95-years-old. He hasn’t been on the Bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour! There’s a dentist here. He’s 90-years-old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor! And me, I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me The Fucking Arab.”
True Fishing Story
I finally got around to going fishing this morning, but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a big snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg Rum and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
The Best Engine In The World
A notable gynecologist once said, “The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger, is self-lubricating, takes any size piston, and it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental.”
In Control
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.” Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks, lady,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William; the little bastard’s name is Steven.”
Forgotten Something
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Two Crocs Talking
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“What have you been eating?” said the big croc.
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small croc.
“Where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.”
“How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”
“Ah!” says the big crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.”
Fairy Tales
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie St. “My good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been told to grant you three wishes since you’ve just arrived in Sydney, Australia, with your wife and seven children.”
The man told the fairy: “Well, in Somalia where I come from, we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and PING! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy. “Two more wishes to go.”
The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. PING! In the distance he could see a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling in-ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.”
“One more wish left for you,” said the fairy, waving her wand.
“I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.” PING! The man was transformed, now wearing worn-out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house? Where’s my Centrelink Gold Card?”
“Tough luck!” the fairy said. “Now that you are Australian, you’re entitled to sweet fuck-all like the rest of us.” And she disappeared!
Endearing names
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host and said: ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head, “To tell you the truth,” he said, “her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m too scared to ask the cranky old bitch what it is!”
Note found on the refrigerator one morning:
My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime next week.
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“No!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was “No!”
By now I was starting to smile. “If I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, they all answered “NO!”
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into Heaven?”
A six year-old boy shouted out: “Yuv gotta be fookn’ dead!”
World’s Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?” The girl said, “No!” And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end
Kinky Night
A biker is sitting at the bar staring into his drink which he hasn’t touched.
A blonde stunner walks into the bar. She is so hot even the women are looking. She sits next to the guy, and after 15 minutes of her turning down the stream of pick-up lines from hopefuls, she notices the guy next to her hasn’t even looked up from his JD. She taps him on the shoulder breaking his trance. He blinks seeing her for the first time.
She asks, “Are you alright?”
The bloke shakes his head and sighs, and then explains his girlfriend left him this morning saying he was just too kinky for her in the bedroom.
The blonde’s eyes light up and a smile crosses her face. She lowers her voice and whispers, “My boyfriend left me two weeks ago, saying I was too kinky.”
There is a silence you couldn’t slice with a chainsaw… then she takes his hand and says, “Come back to my place and we’ll see what happens.”
As they walk through the door she points to the sofa and says, “Take a seat. I’ll just go change into something more fun!”
She heads into the bedroom, puts on the French cut crutchless panties, fishnet stockings, six-inch-thigh high boots, a rubber bra with the nipple holes cut out, and one of those latex masks with a zipper where the mouth is.
She walks out to find the guy with his helmet and jacket and headed for the door. “Hey, where you going? I thought we were going to get kinky?” “I’m finished,” shrugs the biker. “Already fucked your dog and took a shit on your sofa!”
No Dancing
A ‘modern’ Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their Rabbi for counselling. The Rabbi asks if they have any questions.
The man asks, “We realise that it is the tradition for men to dance with men and for the women to dance with the women. But at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not!” says the Rabbi. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony, I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” said the Rabbi. “It is forbidden.”
“Well, okay,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Rabbi. “Sex is okay within marriage, to have children!”
“Women on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Rabbi. “Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes!”
“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No!” says the Rabbi.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Because it could lead to dancing.”
Poker Face
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Sue followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed, he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give
me $500.”
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
Good Choice
Two cattle drovers standing in an outback bar. One asked, “What are ya up to, mate?”
“I’m takin’ a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie.”
“Yeah, and what route are you takin’?”
“Ah, most likely the missus. After all, she stuck by me durin’ the drought.”
Effective Advert
A man inserted an advert in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a 100 letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative, so the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Right In The Crotch
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said, “How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.”
The doctor told him, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She said, “You’re the first; no one has ever touched these breasts.”
He immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at this, it’s still in the crate!”
The Best Beer Drinking Story Ever
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Quicker Tinker
A female police officer pulled over a man for drunken driving, and said, “You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.”
The drunk replied, “Tits.”
The Meaning of Life
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years and I’ll give back the other 40.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I’ll give back the other 10.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a 20 year life span.”
Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you 20 years.”
Man said, “What? Only 20 years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my 20, and the 40 cow gave back, and the 10 dog gave back, and the 10 monkey gave back. That makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. Life has now been explained.
Cigarettes & Tampons
A biker walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his missus. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my missus to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.
According to Bob
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife are working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big, and I mean reeeally big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque.” With that he proceeds to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, and then he goes over to where his wife is working and measures her bottom.
“Yes, I was right—your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!”
The woman chooses to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-arse grill for one little sausage?”
Flight Behaviour
A lawyer boards an airplane in Perth with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he is a lawyer, and proceeds to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she is annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Perth please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up so she took the crabs home and ate them.
Misunderstood
The lesbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Hell and Australians
Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce, die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they’re getting on and finds them in shorts and T-shirts, enjoying a BBQ.
“Is this place not hot enough for you?” asks the Devil.
“Mate, we’re from Australia,” says Bruce. “We love the heat. It’s just like a summer’s day.”
Feeling angry, the Devil decides he’ll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat. Satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back on the two Aussies.
He’s furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting.
“How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?” screams the Devil. “Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable but you two are actually enjoying it!”
“Awww come on, mate,” says Kev. “I spent last summer in Darwin. It’s actually nice to have some dry heat for a change.”
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much, he’s gonna turn it all off, which he does.
After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof, and if the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.
Next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they’re having the time of their lives.
The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams, “WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?”
“Mate, don’t you know?” Kev says. “Hell’s frozen over! Collingwood must have won the Premiership!”
What’s in a Name
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit and asks the biker his name.
“Fred,” he replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling MD.
“After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
“Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I am Just Fred.”
Kick Rule
A big city lawyer from Sydney went duck hunting in the bush in south Queensland. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best litigation lawyers in Australia, and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently you don’t know how we settle disputes in Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work-boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear-end sent him face-first into fresh cow poop.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Wise Man
A wise man once said, “You should treat your woman the way you treat your vacuum cleaner. When it stops sucking, change the fucking bag!
It’s All in The Name
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mother, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third mother: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home!”
Clever Divers
Paddy asks Murphy: “Why do scuba divers fall backwards off their boats?”
To which Murphy replies: “You stupid idiot! If they fell forwards they’d still be in the fuckin’ boat!”
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Sally, a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; D) the vulture.
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that Sally could not help but be convinced. Crossing her fingers, she said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Yes, that is my final answer.”
“That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, Sally hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
“Barbie, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.”
Different Kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “Fuck you!” The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Bad Jokes
1. A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, “You’ve all got 30 seconds to get out!” The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, “You arsehole!”
2. Why are women like clouds? Because they eventually fuck off and it’s a really nice day.
3. I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
4. Two men in a pub and one is riding a bucking bronco machine. He lasts more than 10 minutes.
“Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!’ says his mate.
“Ah, not really. I get lots of practice at home,” replied the other guy. “My wife’s an epileptic.”
Powerful Stuff
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. “This is the most powerful liquid in the world,” said the little boy. “It’s called turpentine.”
The priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.
“If you rub turpentine on a cat’s bum,” the little boy replied, “he’ll pass a Harley-Davidson!’
Good Usage
“What are these, Dad?” asked a little boy in the chemist shop.
The man matter-of-factly replied, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” said the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of those in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asked, “Why are there three in this package?”
The dad replied, “Those are for high school boys—one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He noticed a six-pack and asked, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answered—two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses these?” he asked, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men—one for January, one for February, one for March…”
All Out of Work
Two young blokes out of work see an advert in the paper: Miners wanted. Immediate start. $3000 per week. Must be experienced!
The two blokes have never seen a mine before let alone worked in one. They decide to give it a shot and front for an interview.
The first one went in. The boss asked where he had worked before and the young bloke told the truth: “I have not worked in any mines before.”
“Didn’t you read the fuckin’ advert,” yelled the boss. “Fuck off out of here!”
The boss called in the next young bloke. “Okay, where have you worked before?”
“I have worked everywhere—South Africa, Brazil, America, Argentina, every fuckin’ where,” said the young bloke.
“You seem a bit young to have worked all those mines,” said the boss. “I only have one question for you: what size light do you have on your hard hat?”
“Buggered if I know,” the young bloke replied. “I never worked the night shift before.”
Twenty Puns
1. Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ”A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t—I’ve cut off your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his friends with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.
Little Old Lady
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘Okay, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”
International Relations
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Englishman: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
The American: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
The Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
The Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
The Palestinian: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee, asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives then blows up the coffee house, where the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.
Fancy That
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, “What are you?”
He says, “I’m a Fireman.”
“But you’re only wearing a glass jar,” says the woman.
“Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull the knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!”
Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg.
The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men will still be busy checking their thumbs.
Trucker Speak
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said, “three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, okay,” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up…”
Ralph’s Surgery
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to fifty centimetres. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,’ said the wife, “you’re gunna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
On His Own
Fugly was attending his club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming camping trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.
After copping the under-the-thumb remarks and other derisive remarks, Fugly left and rode home to the missus.
When Fugly’s mates started arriving to set up camp the following week, who should be there but Fugly sitting up in front of the fire, swag rolled out, rum in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
“How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Fugly?”
“I didn’t have to,” replied Fugly. “When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a rum to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise!’ When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want.’ So here I am!”
Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill in the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work but I don’t get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.”
Woman’s Job
Housework is a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and have to do their own housework are too tired to have sex.’ The night went very well.
The next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”
“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.
“Oh, that… Ralph was too tired.”
A Blonde In Church
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
Very Brave Man Jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her!
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television. 2) Telephone. 3) Tellawoman.
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she’s been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent. It’s called a wedding cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do women have babies? Because it hurts and they deserve the pain!
The Nun in Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”
The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now about that drink?”
Always Pay Your Bills
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with very large breasts. Sir Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this very reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he just had to try...
One day Sir Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio said that he would arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins. Without pause Nick readily agreed.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Sir Nick, because of the wound he received while slaying the Dragon, would work as an antidote.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sir Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder. Sir Nick quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, he worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Sir Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Sir Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 100 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, Sir Nick told Horatio to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Sir Nick...
Moral of the story: Pay your bills...
Finger Accident
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, “Let’s be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do.”
Paddy said, “Oi haven’t got da fingers.”
“Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin’ Jesus, it’s 2009! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?”
And Paddy said, “How da fock was I ‘spose to pick them up!”
LOTTO winner
A man asked his wife, “What would you do if we won lotto?” The wife replied, “I would take half and divorce you.”
“That’s good,” he replied. “We won Division 4. Here’s $10.48 now fuck off"
Joke Of The Year
Two women were sitting together, quietly.
The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’ Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
The Black Bra
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20 plus years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, “You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.” Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Batman?”
Growing Wiser
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend but there was no passion so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Enjoyment
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy.”
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above bed in pure ecstasy.”
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin’ my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains… and mate, she hits the fuckin’ roof!”
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto—the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Remember, you only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If It doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
The Silent Bell
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters to fertilise the pullets’ eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover, but to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Kevin held his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result? The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Insults
I can’t see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It’s just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman a cunt.
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Different Ideas
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”
So I fucked her in the arse, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
The Attendent
A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal Kit Kat, you fat bitch.”
Anything You Want
Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the Sydney Harbour pathway near Kirribilli House when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below. Before the security guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Movie World in Queensland.”
Kevin said, “No problem; I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.”
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Speedo bathers.”
Kevin said, “I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.”
Kevin was a little perplexed and said, “But you don't look like you're handicapped.”
The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”
Blonde’s Diary
Dear Diary: Day 1. All packed for the cruise ship, all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
Dear Diary: Day 2. Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today, he seems like a very nice man.
Dear Diary: Day 3. At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
Dear Diary: Day 4. Won $800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
Dear Diary: Day 5. Pool again today, got sunburnt and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
Dear Diary: Day 6. Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
Reasons I Owe My Mother
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
“If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me religion.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about time travel.
“If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me logic.
“Because I said so, that's why.”
My mother taught me more logic.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me foresight.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.”
My mother taught me irony
“Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about contortionism.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about stamina.
“You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about weather.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
“My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
“If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the circle of life.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about behavior modification.
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about envy.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about anticipation.
“Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me medical science.
“If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
My mother taught me humour.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
My mother taught me how to become an adult.
“If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
My mother taught me genetics.
“You're just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my roots.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me wisdom.
“When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
My mother taught me about justice.
“One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Will I Live to be Old
I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you even give a shit?”
An Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door… only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no-where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but it never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and… wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other men walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look Paddy, there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”
The Aboriginal And The Poofter
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke. He’s having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, “Do you want a blow-job?”
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him
bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. “I’ve never seen you react like that,” he says. “Just what did he say to you?”
“I’m not sure,” the big Aboriginal replies, “something about a job…”
The Prospector and the Gunslinger
An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He’d been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, “Did you ever kiss a mule square on the arse?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No. But I’ve always wanted to.”
The Medicine Man
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this,” and throws a white powder into a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The man asks, “What happens when it’s over and I don’t want to continue?”
The medicine man replies, “When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is ‘1234’ and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.”
The old gent rushes home anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says “123” and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”
Fat Bitch
This fat bitch in a bar says, “If you can guess my weight you can fuck me.”
The bloke standing next to her says, ''But you’re a three ton fat ugly mole.”
She says, “That's close enough, you lucky bastard!”
Quick Laughs
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.
In a recent survey, 75 percent of the males said they enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 25 percent haven't been to prison yet.
Just bought a racehorse called My Face. It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming, “Come on My Face!”
Two couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards John says to Michael, “That's the best fuck I've ever had; I wonder how the girls got on?”
If mothers celebrate Mothers Day, fathers celebrate Fathers Day, lovers celebrate Valentines Day, do wankers celebrate Palm Sunday?
On My Life
I met a 14-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. “It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit."”
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What's up Abdul, won't it start?”
Harry the Eagle
Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated but after about six minutes of mourning, he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
He flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is, “I am a dove, I want to love! I am a dove, I want to love!”
This got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, “I am a loon, I want to spoon! I am a loon, I want to spoon!'” So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great but all the duck would say was, “I am a drake, you made a mistake!”
The Old Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”
She said, “I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian...”
Robbed
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr,” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key,” the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, “Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone too!”
The Diary Of An English Man
August 31: Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13: Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10: The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15: Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60 percent of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
October 20: Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25: This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth.
October 30: The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ air-con. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4: Finally got the ol’ air-con fixed. It cost $1500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8: If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’, I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat! November 9: Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10: Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place. Water restrictions will be next so my $5000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20: Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ My wife had to spend the $2500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!
December 1: WHAT! The first day of Summer! You are fuckin’ kidding!
Double Dose
A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,’’ replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,’’ said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?’’ asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I really must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “No one showed up.”
Old Ladies
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
Set timer for three minutes in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting (turn them all off).
Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
(I wrote this in large type so you can read it.)
Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.
“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff, dad, I became a prostitute...”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“Okay, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff, a prostitute, daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug.”
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
Italian pasta diet—it really works!
1. You walk pasta da bakery.
2. You walk pasta da candy store.
3. You walk pasta da ice cream shop.
4. You walk pasta da fridge.
You will lose weight!
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Judging Others
An elephant asks a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?”
“Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face.
Paddy McGuire’s Night Out
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of Jameson in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt.
Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. “Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren’t ye?” she said.
Paddy said, “Why are ye accusin’ me of such a thing?”
“Ah, well,” Bridget said, “it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I’m thinkin’, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror.”
Thoughts On Life
Marriage changes passion—suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my ‘own’ pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I ‘had’ any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school but they can in prison?
Wouldn’t you know it—brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year: If you can read this, thank a teacher—and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Short Laughs
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
The Truckie
A truck driver is cruising towards Sydney when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what’s wrong.
“I’m yellow, I’m from Venus, I’m gay and I’m hungry,” sobs the little man.
“Well,” says the truckie, “I can offer you a cheese sandwich but that’s as much as I can do.”
He passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off.
A bit later he has to stop again because there’s a little red man the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and asks the little man what’s wrong.
“I’m red, I’m from Mars, I’m gay and I’m thirsty,” the little man bawls.
So the truckie says, “I can offer you a can of Coke but that’s as much as I can do.”
He hands the can of Coke to the little man and drives off.
A little further on the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, “Yes, you silly little blue queer, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?”
And the little blue man answers, “Your driver’s license, please...”
The Drought
I have just found out about a serious consequence of the current economic downturn. The cost of lamb in New Zealand has skyrocketed to $35 per hour.
The Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer says. “This is a special day for me; I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too; I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock,” he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence…”
Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns—one called Justin and the other Christian—were swimming around in the sea. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrol the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
Just then a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted” and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and begs him to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail; it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home distraught that his best friend became a shark,” came the reply.
Eager to put things right again, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied “No way, man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked.”
Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian.”
Stays Hard
Viagra is now available in powder to put in your tea. It does nothing for erections, but it stops your biscuits from going soft.
Men’s Pearls of Wisdom
1. When I was born, I was given a choice: a big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings...’
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men—’don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. What’s an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
Wrong Hole
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, “Can you please help me. I don’t know what hole I’m on.”
She told him, “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.” He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again and said embarrassed, “I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I’m on.”
She told him, “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.”
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m in sales,” she said.
“No kidding,” he said. “So am I. What do you sell?”
“I sell tampons,” she said.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. “I’m sorry but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you.”
The Supermarket
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water-mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk fridges, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
The Deformity
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12-year-old.
He stated that it was okay because he loved her sooooooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes, it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Good Gifts
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said, “Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday—a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said, “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said, “What a shame; what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied, “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top-of-the-line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
The Daughters
There’s an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes.”
The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”
With that the Irishman says, “Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy.”
Good Shot
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Flowers
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says, “Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
The redhead replies, “I love flowers; I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
The Smell
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. “That’s quite nice, innit, don’t you fink, Trace.”
“Yeah, what’s it called?”
“Viens a moi”
“Viens a moi? What the fack does that mean?”
At this stage the assistant offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me’.”
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?”
Fancy Party
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions, eg, fear, etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?”
The guy says, “I’m green with NV.”
The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?”
She replies, “I’m tickled pink.”
The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow, what emotion is this supposed to be?”
Paddy replies, “Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair”
Great Drink
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks She starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, “First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.”
So, the boyfriend, trying to please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue. Salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys. Smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits; at two seconds the Baileys curdles; at three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits; at four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of snot which this triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, “Jesus, what do you call that drink?”
She smiles widely at him and says, “Blow Job Revenge.”
Post Office Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says, “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?”
“Yes, I was in Iraq for two years.”
“That will give you five extra points toward employment here. Are you disabled in any way?”
“Yes, an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
”Okay, in that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day. Don’t worry, we’ll still pay you from 8 am.”
The guy is puzzled and asks. “If the hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 am?”
“This is a Government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
Divorced 1
A Tasmanian couple is walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says, “Oh for fuck’s sake, stop crying, you're still my sister!”
Labour
A woman is in labour, shouting and screaming, “Get this out of me, give me drugs!”
She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you fucker!”
He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, ‘No way, it’ll be too painful’.”
Fishing
Two men are out fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m gonna divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
In Time of War
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road is an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened. The soldier reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum-bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing Labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!’ And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.”
Discovery News
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 1000 years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: “US scientists have found traces of 2000 year-old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Italians.”
One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 800 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.”
Morning Hangover
A man gets up one morning with a terrible hangover, to find his wife in the kitchen at the stove. He looks to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very drunk,” she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock...”
In Sickness and in Health...
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What did you buy?”
Good Sport
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. He slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says, “Strewth
Sheila, not only are you a great shag but you’re a real sport too,” and drives off.
The Dummy
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a Ipswich, Queensland. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as persons, all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!”
As the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, the blonde woman yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on
your knee!”
Underwear
An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the Examination Room, he says, “I’ll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.” The old man, being hard-of-hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him, “Give him your underwear.”
The Shipwreck
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle—a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze—perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get ‘those feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear: “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
Divorced 2
I’m going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off, walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
Quickies
Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray-paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!
Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh” and “ aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
The Visit
A woman stops by unannounced at her son’s house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work,” The daughter-in-law answers.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaims.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explains.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Justin loves me to wear this dress. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”
When the mother-in-law gets home she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“This is my love dress,” she whispers, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he says, “What’s for dinner?”
The Coffin
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a garbage bin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise...
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster…
BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him…
BUMP BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP BUMP
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin…
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys; his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside, slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase ...
BUMP SCREECH
BUMP SCREECH
BUMP SCREECH
BUMP SCREECH
In horror, the young lad fled again as fast as his shaking legs could take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door…
BUMP SCREECH HOP
BUMP SCREECH HOP
BUMP SCREECH HOP
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then slowly started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached into his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin. Still it came…
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it. Still it came…
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it. Still it came…
BUMP SCREECH SLIDE
He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it. The coffin stopped.
The Audit
The tax office decides to audit Ralph and summons him to their office. The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his accountant. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops. Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand with Ralph’s accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste paper basket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the waste paper basket on other side so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
Ralph’s accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the accountant. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
The Hospital Visit
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
“What happened to you?” the doctor asked him.
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that”
The Lawyer and the Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up and hands the blonde $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The blonde-haired person reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Quick Ones
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss but ‘down under’. Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and car with them.
The Auto Reply
Receiving letters in the post is a thing of the past. These days everyone sends emails. Here’s a list of automated replies for you to try.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/7/08. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again (You’ll be surprised how many in-duh-viduals do this over and over).
Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your computer for my response.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Lisa” instead of “Les”.
Perfect Breasts
A guy is walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?”
“Are you nuts?!” she replies and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1000?” he asks.
“Listen, you, I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah,” he replies. “Costs too much…”
Severe Embarrassment
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
The Handy Woman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been reading in Ozbike lately.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
Keepin’ the Kids
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
The Advert
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: Husband wanted. Must be in my age group (70’s), must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants please apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. You have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
The Irish Farmer
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. “Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Seamus said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...”
The solicitor interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now what would YOU say?”
The Sale
Lesbian beds now on sale at IKEA. No screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
The Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet. ”I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were goin’ to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from fookin’ skippin’,” the Irishman said.
The Cemetery
I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were four pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later I saw them again; they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself: “These buggers have lost the plot.”
The Answer at Last
Finally someone has cleared this up for me. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi rego plate, a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop, or a takeaway cafe in Australia. If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.
At The Cemetary
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy. “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
“So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” asks Farther O’Grady.
“Oh, Father,” she says, “I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
“Oh, Mary, that’s terrible,” says Father O’Grady. “Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
“That he did, Father,” says Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?” inquires Father O’Grady.
“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!’”
Robber
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but I think my wife did.”
The Old Rooster
The old farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “Okay, old fart, time for you to retire.”
The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”
The young rooster says, “Beat it. You’re washed up and I’m taking over.”
The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs, “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and—BOOM—he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dimmit… Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price—the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Grief! You'd think for $500 they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
The Interpretation
One New Zealander says to another: “Hey bro, what’s a Hindu?”
The second New Zealander replies: “Lays eggs, bro.”
A Little Known Fact
Alcohol does not make you FAT, it makes you LEAN… against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Smart Kid
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Johnnie Walker Black Label Whiskey and women with big tits.”
The World at War
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice says. “This is Paddy down at the Hogshead Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you Frenchies!”
“Well, Paddy,” the President replies, “This is indeed important news! How big might your army be?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me brother Seamus, me other brother Sean, me next door neighbour Flaherty, and the entire darts team from down the pub. That makes eight!”
The President laughs and replies, “Paddy, you should know that I have 400,000 highly-trained and well-equipped soldiers in my army.”
“Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back...”
Sure enough, two hours later Paddy calls again. “Frenchie, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” the President asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
Sarkozy sighs, amused. “Paddy, I have 6000 tanks and 5000 armored personnel carriers. And since you have last called, we have recruited an additional 10,000 soldiers, bringing the total to 410,000.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Froggie, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well, so we are 12 men now!”
After a moment, the President clears his throat. “Paddy, I have 100
bombers and 250 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, my
army has grown to 450,000 men.”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “Let me talk to me mates.”
That afternoon, the President’s phone rings once again. “Mr. President,” states Paddy “I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really?” asks the President. “I’m sorry to hear that. Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and have come to the sad conclusion that there’s no fookin’ way that we can feed 450,000 French prisoners of war.”
The Ex-Wife
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die, you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, “You’re not fucking listening!”