The Lawyer and the Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up and hands the blonde $500.
The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The blonde-haired person reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
TODD PEISLEY
Quick Ones
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss but ‘down under’. Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and car with them.
TODD PEISLEY
The Auto Reply
Receiving letters in the post is a thing of the past. These days everyone sends emails. Here’s a list of automated replies for you to try.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/7/08. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again (You’ll be surprised how many in-duh-viduals do this over and over).
Thank you for your message which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your computer for my response.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Lisa” instead of “Les”.
CHEFFIE
Perfect Breasts
A guy is walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?”
“Are you nuts?!” she replies and keeps walking.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1000?” he asks.
“Listen, you, I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah,” he replies. “Costs too much…”
HELEN
Severe Embarrassment
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
CRUSIN’ JOE
The Handy Woman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been reading in Ozbike lately.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
STEPHEN GARBO
Keepin’ the Kids
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
CRUSIN’ JOE
The Advert
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: Husband wanted. Must be in my age group (70’s), must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants please apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. You have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
GREAT SCOTT
The Irish Farmer
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. “Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Seamus said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...”
The solicitor interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’ Now what would YOU say?”
JEFF MAC
The Sale
Lesbian beds now on sale at IKEA. No screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
PAUL & ROBIN
The Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet. ”I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.” When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were goin’ to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from fookin’ skippin’,” the Irishman said.
GRAINNE SAUNDERS
The Cemetery
I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were four pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later I saw them again; they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself: “These buggers have lost the plot.”
The Answer at Last
Finally someone has cleared this up for me. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi rego plate, a convenience store, a service station, a kebab shop, or a takeaway cafe in Australia. If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.
HELEN TROY
At The Cemetary
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy. “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
LUKE SAYER
Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
“So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” asks Farther O’Grady.
“Oh, Father,” she says, “I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
“Oh, Mary, that’s terrible,” says Father O’Grady. “Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
“That he did, Father,” says Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?” inquires Father O’Grady.
“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!’”
STEPHEN YARDLEY
Robber
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but I think my wife did.”
JAMIE HOWELL
The Old Rooster
The old farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “Okay, old fart, time for you to retire.”
The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you can’t handle ALL these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”
The young rooster says, “Beat it. You’re washed up and I’m taking over.”
The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs, “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and—BOOM—he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dimmit… Third gay rooster I bought this month.”
CARL EDWARDS