My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.”
I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead, not bloody knee-capped!”
Not half bad.
Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? Bullshit! I seen one farm on TV and the guy had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!
The Phone Call
A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they raped my wife after only five cans!”
Got this text from my brother recently. It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
The Trip Away
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
He replied: I’m taking a shit. What should I do?
Aussie Bush Etiquette
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods, and if you are a woman, it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
By Any Other Name
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
“What is the name of the restaurant?” the other man asked.
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ”Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
JD Fishing Story
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns. Then I saw a red-belly black snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good barra bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog,
and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the problem was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
A Blonde Senior Moment
Several days ago I attended an association of blondes meeting at a hotel. When I left, I desperately gave myself a personal security pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered (I always call him ‘honey’ in times like these), “I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. “I dropped you off!” he barked.
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
“I was on my way but I’ll be delayed,” he said.
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn’t steal your car.”
Two Irishmen are looking through a mail-order catalogue.
Paddy says, “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”
Mick agrees, “I’m ordering one right now.”
Three weeks later, Paddy says to Mick, “Has your woman turned up yet?”
“No,” says Mick, “but it shouldn’t be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday.”
“Give it here.”
“No, it’s mine.”
“Let me have it.”
“It’s my turn.”
“You had it last.”
”Come on, gimme it.”
“But it’s my go.”
Siamese twins having a wank.
A man walks into WH Smith and says, “Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?”
“I don’t think it’s in yet,” the girl says.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he replies.
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says, “Don’t laugh, you’re fucking next!”
A woman goes to the doctors and says, “I’m getting too much discharge.”
The doctor says, “Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed.” He puts on his latex gloves and applies three fingers into her vagina. “How does that feel?” he asks.
Fucking lovely,” she replies, “but the discharge is in my ear.”
An Irishmen, wanting to become a priest, went to see the Bishop who said, “You must answer three questions on the Bible. First, who was born in a stable?”
“Black Caviar,” the Irishman replied.
“Second, what do you think of Damascus?”
“It kills 99 percent of all germs,” the Irishman replied.
“Third, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
“That’s easy, Popeye kicked the shit out of them!”
Dressed to Kill
Went out last night, dressed to kill—beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
“Charlie asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world,” said Jennifer.
“And which one of these did you decide to do?” said Ashley.
A man is writing in his diary: I am an ideal man. I don’t smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don’t flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o’clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.
The wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says, “We haven’t had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?”
“I only washed the floor this morning,” she replies. “I’d rather clean my teeth than get the mop out again!”
The newlyweds turn up at their five-star hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The pompous receptionist asks, “Do you have any reservations?”
“Well,” says the bride, “I am a bit worried about taking it up the arse.”
“Sweetheart, would you say I’m the only man you’ve ever loved?” asked the husband.
“Of course you are!” replied the wife. “Why do all men ask me the same silly question?”
“I know you’ll marry again someday,” said the drying wife to her husband. “She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that’s alright. But I want you to promise me something…”
“What’s that, honey?” asked the husband.
“I don’t want your second wife to wear my clothes.”
“Alright, I promise. Your clothes won’t fit her anyhow.”
A husband was having an affair. His wife kept getting more and more suspicious, and finally spoke to her maid about it. “I have a suspicion that my husband might be having an affair in his office.”
“Go on!” said the maid. “You’re only saying that to make me jealous.”
The Women I Married
A man in a pub had a hangover from the night before. “Can you get me something for a hangover?” he said to the bartender.
“What do you want?”
“Anything that’s tall, cold, and filled with gin.”
“I’ll hit you if you don’t take that back,” said the bartender. “You’re talking about the woman I married.”
This really hot chick looked at my beer belly and said sarcastically, “Is that VB or Fosters?”
I said, “There’s a fuckin’ tap underneath, taste it.”
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realised that I don’t really care. It’s the tortoise life for me.
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so. I’m tired. Go around me…
A Matter Of Pain
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It’d be nice to have another baby.” You never hear a bloke say, “I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts.”
I Miss Alice
I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car in Sydney that read, ‘I miss Alice Springs.’
So I broke the windows, took the wireless and left half a dozen empty VB tinnies on the front seat with a note that read, ‘I hope this helps.’
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’?”
Son says to Dad, “I’m Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and says, “What about you?”
Other son says, “Me too, Dad.”
Dad says, “Bloody hell, doesn’t anyone in this bloody family like pussy?”
The daughter says, “I do.”
Ten catholic priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says, “If any of you are pedophiles, you can fuck off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out, “And take this deaf bastard with you.”
Nearly shagged a ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman. But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That’s when I thought, “Just wait a minute.”
Change A Light Bulb
I saw my mate Charlie this morning. He’s only got one arm, bless him. I shouted, “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, and said, “That’s gonna be a bit awkward, init?”
“Not really,” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Crying After Sex
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said, “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means, don’t you?”
I said, “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for old married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fucking wife.”
Guess Your Age
Four old naughty grannies were sitting at a table in a retirement complex when old grandpa walked in. One old grandmother cried out to him, “We bet we can tell you exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “You can not really guess exactly my age, you bunch of old fools.”
The old grandmother said, “We certainly can do it! Drop down your pants and underpants and we’ll tell you exactly your age.”
A bit dismayed, but determined to prove that they could not, he dropped his pants and underpants down.
The grannies told him to turn around a few times, and than made him jump up and down several times. Then they shouted in unison, “You’re 87 years old!”
With the pants around his ankles, the old man asked, “How in Hell did you guess that?”
Roaring with laughter, tears on their cheeks, the old ladies shouted in unison, “Yesterday we were at your birthday party!”
Got Home Okay
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least I got home okay!
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me five hours to get her off the big wheel.
Can’t Hold a Job
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him!
The Last Twist
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, ”When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”
The wife left a note on the fridge. “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve gone to stay at my mum’s.”
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. Fuck knows what she was on about!
Nothing like a Ford Truck.
I bought a new Ford F-250 and it runs on either hydrogen, gas, or E10. I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. “Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie,” he said, and ‘On The Road Again’ came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music; and if I said, “Cold Chisel,” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some stupid woman ran a red light and nearly rammed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled, “Stupid Bitch!”
Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, an address from The Prime Minister of Australia.”
Damn I love this truck.
Drinks Are On Me
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
The Arab asks the bartender, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
”Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?”
“I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asks the father.
“Watching a movie, Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“Okay, it was porn!” cries the son.
The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!”
The robot slaps the mother.
Two female teachers took a group of students from Grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment, the teacher said, “You must be in Grade 3?”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.”
After their baby was born, the father went to see the obstetrician. “Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you that I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “Our families on both sides have had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“There you have it!” The doctor said confidently. ”It’s rust.”
We Are Under Attack
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday, I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection… well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling a mean prank. Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial? Ha! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
Please pass this on to everyone you know as soon as possible so we can get this conspiracy stopped!
It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “For Extra Body And Volume.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads, “Dissolves Fat That Is Otherwise Difficult To Remove.” Problem solved!
If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower…
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
“Really” she said. “Go on then, try”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on, what day was I born?”
“Fuckin’ yesterday,” I said.
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look alright.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there.”
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table. I said to her, “Nice legs.”
The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now.”
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
An Afghanistan diplomat was visiting Australia for the first time. He was being wined and dined by the Prime Minister in Canberra. The diplomat was not used to the salt in Australian foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc) and he was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “but a man is sitting on the well!”
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf who got pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room. “Please come fast,” he says, “I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel.”
The Manager responds, ”Sir, that’s a personal matter.”
“Idiot,” the husband yells, “the window won’t open! That’s a maintenance matter!”
Senior Citizens Bus Trip
A senior citizens’ group charters a bus from Bunbury to Burswood Casino in Perth.
During the trip, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, “I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she too was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first parking area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey, granddad, what are you doing down there?” says the bus driver.
“I lost my hairpiece. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away!”
Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs
Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr Jones at your cervix.”
On a septic tank truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
On a plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a tyre store: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see
what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a fence:
welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to
get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”
Outside a car exhaust store:
necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a vets waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes.
In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
And don’t forget the sign at the radiator shop:
“Best place in
town to take a leak.”
A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as ‘Low Battery’.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone
and plugs it into the charger.
Give that man a medal.
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she’s moving during intercourse.
Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
My Facebook Page
In hindsight, I should probably have written this on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford Escort,”
rather than, “I’ve just fucked my 14-year-old Escort.”
The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it and they’ve confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn’t all bad—the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
A bloke goes to the dentist, and as the dentist prepares the injection, he says he doesn’t like injections as they make him freak out.
The dentist puts away the needle and prepares the gas, but the bloke says he can’t have gas.
The dentist thinks for a bit, then leaves the room returning a short while later with a pill and a glass of water.
“What is it?” asks the bloke.
“Viagra,” the dentist replies.
“I didn’t know Viagra was an anesthetic!”
“It’s not,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth!”
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” she asks.
”I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs and grabs the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mummy, mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe and she has no clothes on.”
The blonde slams down the phone and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
“You rotten bitch,” she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!”
The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What, you coming empty handed?”
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full!
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, “A meal for two with a terrible view” isn’t the best way to announce number 69.
I awoke for a leak in the middle of the night and noticed a burgular sneaking through next door’s garden. Suddenly, my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”
“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said. “That bastard next door has still got my fucking shovel.”
Scotsman’s Big Black Beard
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “All right then,” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “All right then,” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey, where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman lifts his kilt and says, “Secret Service!”
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the ‘60s group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking… and then I saw her face.
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, “Hurry up, for Christ’s sake, some of us have got homes to go to!”
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, “What do you feel like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?”
I said, ‘Chicken, please.”
She replied, “You’re having soup, you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!”
Jack Russell Puppy
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy. He’s mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I’ve named him England...
The husband is reading a book in bed with his wife beside. His finger goes to
The wife says, “You want sex?”
“No,” the husband answers, “I just want to wet my finger to turn the page.”
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
Another Great Day
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower. I’ve just picked up a bottle of home-brew from one of the neighbors for this afternoon. I’ve got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads. After that I’ll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites. Then to finish off the perfect day, it’s a nice blow job before I go to bed.
Fuck I love prison!
An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so a nation-wide call went out. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, and a generous sum of money.
A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a jar of sweets.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab, this time, did not reciprocate his kind gesture, as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, some more diamonds and more money. But you only gave me a thank-you card and a jar of sweets.”
To this the Arab replied, “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins.”
The New Car
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car.
Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’, they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it, let alone
turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a
real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings,
when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive
to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price,
but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases
with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that
the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.
A punter is at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He notices a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse, a very long shot, wins the race.
Next race, as the horses line up, the Priest steps onto the track. Sure enough, he blesses one of the horses.
The punter makes a beeline for a betting window and places a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse wins the race.
He collects his winnings and anxiously waits to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bets big on it, and it wins.
As the races continue the Priest keeps blessing long shots, and each one ends up winning.
The punter is elated. He makes a quick dash to the ATM, withdraws all his savings, and waits for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest steps onto the track for the last race and blesses the forehead of an old nag that is the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blesses the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he has a winner and bets every cent he owns on the old nag.
He watches dumbfounded as the old nag comes in last!
In a state of shock, he goes to the track area where the Priest is.
Confronting Him, he demands, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost every cent of my savings!”
The Priest nods wisely and with sympathy. “Son,” he says, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants—you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.’
Not To Be One-Upped
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”
The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.”
“I got one too, see?” the Texan says, holding up his phone.
“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”
“You got a fax machine?” asks the Texan.
“Why, actually, yes, I do.”
“I do too, see? It’s right here!” brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Beetle says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?”
The guy in the Rolls replies, “No! Do you?”
“Yep, got my double bed right in back here,” the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customising shop and orders them to put a king-size bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Beetle are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan, “What’s up?”
“Check this out—I got a KING-SIZE installed in my Rolls.”
“The Texan exclaims, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said.
” We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.”
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
A man is walking behind his wife and says, “Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine.”
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bed time, the man is asking for sex. The wife says, “I can’t start the washing machine for such a small load. You’ll have to hand wash!”
Q: What is the difference between a virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of a strange development—a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
“They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse,” she tells the doctor.
The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.
The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy, there’s no problem, but I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”
The woman stammers, “Why, yes, but how did you know?”
“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”
The Phone Call
The phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight arse with no
Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV, who shall I say is calling?”
The Phone Call 2
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.”
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay, Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?”
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn’t moving at all.”
“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
Daddy says, “Swimming pool? I think I have the wrong number. Is this 486-5731?”
The government is going to impose a 40 percent tax on Aspirin.
Why, you ask?
Well, primarily because it’s white and it works.
During a lady’s medical examination, the doctors says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No, no! Please don’t remove your clothes. Just show me your tongue!”
Irish Saw Mill
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, “Oh, he’s out in Rehab exercising.”
Paddy couldn’t believe it, but here’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising.”
And sure enough, here’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
Very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”
Paddy is shocked. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”
“No,” says the nurse. “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
The Italian fellow said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes.”
The Frenchman said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for 15 minutes straight.”
The Aussie said, “That’s nothing. Last night I massaged my wife, you know, all over her body with Flora margarine. I caressed her entire body with the Flora, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two full hours? Wow, that’s phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?”
The Aussie replied, “I wiped my hands on the curtains.”
A Philosophical Note
Life is like a penis: simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free. It’s women who make it hard!
Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, “Jesus, Paddy, what ya doing?”
Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor.
Paddy says to Mick, “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?
Paddy replies, “I’ll take her with me!
Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades so they take them to a police station.
Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?”
Paddy says, “Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”
Girl at the Beach
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing—she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so.
Then she said, “Tomorrow, I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach, then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesperson.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells down by the seashore.
Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “I’m sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow, that’s a great idea,” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
No Speak English
A Russian woman married an Australian guy and they lived happily in Brisbane. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
Her husband speaks English!
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states: “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
A bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife, “When I die, I’m going to leave everything to you, love!”
She shouts back, “You already do, you lazy bastard!”
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for more than a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few... I noticed two quite large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s Wales, you friggin’ idiot!”
So I immediately apologised and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
That’s the last thing I remember.
Hot Chocolate Fudge
A little old man shuffles slowly into an ice-cream parlour and pulls himself painfully onto a stool. After catching his breath, he orders a hot chocolate fudge sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” the waitress asks him politely.
“No,” he replies, “arthritis.”
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can’t touch it until she’s 14.
How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink,” and the clerk replies, “Go ahead.”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same.
2) There are no dental records.
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck! If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are still cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?
“Yep... Prit’ near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof—up in flames! And the Governor hadn’t even finished colorin’ one of ’em.”
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen.
Husband texts back: Pour some luke warm water over it.
Wife texts back: Computer completely fucked now.
The True Story
Some years ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible
voice, “Sack my cook.”
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred...
To the Zoo
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Brisbane when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to Brisbane?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde. “Do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $200 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Brisbane when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded. “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”
The Blonde Waitress
The manager of an up-market restaurant was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his stunning blonde waitress for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from university. I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus l4 percent, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
New Stats Fresh Off The Press
This is a frightening statistic.
Most probably one of the most
worrying in the last five years.
25 percent of women in this country are on
medication for mental illness.
That’s bloody scary!
It means 75 percent are running around with no medication at all!
The Ideal Ol’ Lady
The ideal ol’ Iady should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her looks.
The ideal ol’ lady should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And the ideal oI’ lady should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can’t suck a tennis ball through a 30 metre garden hose.
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, “Honestly, do I look fat in this?”
I replied, “Yes, love, but to be fair, it’s only a small bathroom.”
To avoid the flu, eat right.
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day.
Go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors and windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
Or take the doctor’s approach. When you go for a flu shot, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol.
Because alcohol kills germs.
So I walk to the pub (exercise).
I put lime in my vodka (fruit),
celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink outdoors on the patio (fresh air), tell jokes and laugh (eliminate stress), then I pass out (rest)
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can’t get you!
Remember, a shot in the glass
is better than one in the arse!
While creating wives, God promised men that calm, docile, patient, obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth…
Then He made the earth round.
Where Are You?
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had disappeared.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s mobile phone and demanded, “Where the hell are you?
“Darling,” the husband replied, “you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’.”
“Yes,” said the wife with a blushing smile, “I remember the shop, my love.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next to that shop,” the husband replied.
My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
As a piper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn’t know what else to do so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”
Apparently I’m still lost. It’s a man thing.
The Naked Cowboy
A sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, “Why in the world are you walking around like this?”
The cowboy says, “Well, it’s like this, sheriff.
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor-home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now go to town, cowboy.’ And here I am.”
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”
Finally the Captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants.”
“For fucks sake,” one passenger yelled, “you should see the back of mine!”
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘quick bout of love making’ with their eight-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot.
An ambulance just drove by. Looks like the Anderson’s have company.
Matt’s riding a new bike. Looks like the Sanders are moving. Jason is on his skate board. The Coopers are having a root.”
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know that?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.”
Drinking & Driving
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before—I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
“Your eyesight’s damn near perfect,” I replied.
What Did They Say
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
”My son is a Priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps,
”My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says,
”My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says,
”My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle,
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breast, 24” waist, 34” hips.
When she walks into a room people say, ‘Jesus Christ!’.”
The Defective Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” the parrot says. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me.”
“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah,” the guy asks, “Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and can speak English, can’t you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.”
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.”
“What!” the guy says incredulously. ”Then what happened?”
“Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“No!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”
“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.”
“Then what happened?” the frantic guy demands.
“Dunno! I fell off my perch!”
Two terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum.
“If you don’t mind my asking,” said the second, “but that cork looks uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”
“I regret, I cannot,” lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my bum.”
“I do not understand,” said the other.
The first terrorist says, “I was walking along Russell Street and tripped over an old oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat, came boiling out. He said, ‘I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.’ I said, ‘No shit?’”
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Really,” says Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor; she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend, yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
“Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said: English speaking Doctor. I thought, “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?”
I went to see a psychic last weekend and was told that I would be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny. Fucking spooky or what!
My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.
My wife asked me to go to the doctor about my erection problem. She wasn’t pleased when I came back and gave her some slimming pills.
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.
A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says, “There you go, you miserable git, I’ll pay you back monthly!”
And the moral of this story is: Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there will always be a string attached.
Match of the Day
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the missus comes into the lounge and says, “Fancy a shag, babe?”
I said, “After the football, love.”
She said, “You do realise you can record it?”
I said, “Nice, you get the camcorder, I’ll come upstairs when the football finishes.”
Three Aussie blokes—Mongrel, Coot and Bluey—are working up on an outback mobile phone tower. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, “Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife.”
Mongrel says, “Okay, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, “Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?”
“Coot’s wife gave it to me,” Mongrel replies.
“That’s unbelievable! You told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?”
“Well, not exactly,” Mongrel says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Coot’s widow.’ She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of beer you are.’”
Australians are good at that sensitive stuff.
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!
Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says, “Yes, how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies, “Didn’t feel a thing.”
Bless Me Father
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for four months.
Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, “You remind me of my little toe.”
She replies, “What? You mean I’m small and cute?”
He says, “No. Ill probably bang you on the coffee table later when I’m drunk.”
A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep.
In his defence he said it was Islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said, “Son, that’s three schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot…”
Question: Are there too many immigrants in Australia?
17 percent said yes; 11 percent said no; 72 percent said, “I am not understanding the question please.”
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dick-heads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pricks. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?”
He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-Dave.”
Local police are hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
“I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits,” he says.
“You dirty bastard!” shouts the barmaid. “Get out before I get my husband.”
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
“I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off.”
“You dirty filthy pervert!” she yells. “You’re banned. Get out!”
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
“One more chance,” says the barmaid. “Now, what do you want?”
“I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup.”
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion and runs upstairs to fetch her husband who’s sitting quietly watching the TV.
“What’s up love?” he asks.
“There’s a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she says.
“I’ll kill him. Where is he?” storms the husband.
“Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off,” she screams.
“Right. He’s dead!” says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all,” she cries.
The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the TV back on.
“Aren’t you going to do something about it?” she cries hysterically.
“Look, love, I’m not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness.”
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a lorry went by loaded with rolls of turf.
“I gonna do that when I win the lottery,” says Paddy.
“What’s dat?” says Mick.
“Send me lawn away to be cut,” says Paddy.
Wong and Wong
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “Well Mr Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
”Well, two Wongs don’t make a white,
so I think we will name him
Sum Ting Wong.”
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.’
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his ‘barracks door’. He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”
I found my girlfriend dead in the bed the other day. She just lay there lifeless, so I decided to shag her one last time.
All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!
Honestly, some people are sick in the fucking head!
Bringing Her back
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
“I can get away from him, no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 km/h, then 220, then 240 km/h.
Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” said the policeman.
Entering a classroom at Marine Corps Air Station, Yuma, a female Marine Captain, encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.
She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that, unfortunately, she had not been selected because the analysis revealed that her particular voice pattern had a tendency to lull male homosexuals to sleep.
The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the instruction.
Finish What You Start
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to achieve inner peace we should always finish things we start.
We all could use more calm in our lives so I looked around my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t yet finished. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, ana box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frinds who need inner piss.
An telum u luvum.
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone, and as he listens to the call, he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects, he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
“Well,” he announces, “my wife’s just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds.”
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, “That’s about average in Queensland.
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of “strewth” were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
Two weeks later, the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says “You’re the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been having bets about
how big he’d be in two weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much
does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!”
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, “Had him circumcised!”
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier, just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass.”
She looked at the men in the room, “And gentlemen, remember, you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
“Yes,” asked the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Paddy and Murphy
Paddy and Murphy go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus!
Paddy calls Jetstar to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your feckin’ plane!”
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The Foreman shouts, “Paddy, you’re mad, go home.”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy, “the whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the USA prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Murphy, the Irish husband of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach, was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head at which point Murphy said, “I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says, “To hell with this!” and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, “What did you do?”
Paddy replies, “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”
Murphy says to Paddy, “What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?”
“I’m sending a voicemail, ya thick sod!”
Paddy and Murphy decided to swap partners for the night.
After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, “I wonder how the girls are getting on.”
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
The Preacher Man
A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, a homeless man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Mulrunji replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
And the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?”
Mulrunji answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ‘til next week.”
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach Australia, couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
“Mate, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard. “You’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. You’re best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m tellin’ ya, mate, you’ll have all the babes ya want!”
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick.
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”
“Bloody Hell,” said the lifeguard. “Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!”
The Light Goes Off
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof, the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs White,” he says. “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh good grief!” Mrs White exclaims. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks, “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache
so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did, sir,” says Murphy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous
woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts, ‘Help me for the love of St Patrick!
For five years I have not seen any man!’”
“Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”
Talk in Sleep
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
“Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?” she said.
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll treat her!”
So we walked past it again!
Learning About Each Other
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After 75 laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
”No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray.”
A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess to marry him.
The Princess said no and the Prince lived happily ever after; and rode motorcycles and banged skinny, long-legged, big tittied broads; and hunted and fished and raced cars; and went to naked bars and dated women half his age; and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan; and never heard bitching and never paid child support; and banged cheer-leaders; and kept his house and guns; and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts; and never got cheated on while he was at work; and all his friends and family thought he was firkin cool as hell; and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”
Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s self-raising, isn’t it?”
And thus began Ray’s life of celibacy.
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, WA, a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to them and said, “All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa Volunteer Fire Department composed mainly of firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old age firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the aging fire chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,’ said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, “de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck.”
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a ‘roger’. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled and said, “Oh, that’s sweet, but what about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding.”
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilised and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.
“John,” the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
“Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia?”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all got killed straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”
“Gillard is dead?” the inspector asked.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “She kept saying she wasn’t but you know what a liar she is.”
Late Phone Call
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She
had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, although it was late, she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.
Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Cliff, your neighbour from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 pm.”
“Great,” says Tom, “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.”
“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of them.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting too.”
“Well, I get along with people; I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More ‘n’ likely be some wild sex, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational: the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.
Two female friends are catching up.
“So, how was your evening last night?”
“A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, ‘granted’ me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. And you?”
“Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.”
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are ‘networking’.
“So, how was your evening last night?”
“Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?”
“A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn’t find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful. Dinner was so expensive that I couldn’t afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...”
Bless Me Father
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
”Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death.
Barak and Julia are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout which reads: The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.
Julia thinks, “It’s not bad, this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that,” so she asks, ”What will Australia be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and she gets a printout. But she just stares at it.
”Come on, Julia,” says Barak, “what does it say”?”
“Buggered if I know,” Julia replies. It’s all in Arabic!”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, “No, sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, sir.”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… Are… my… test… results… back?”
A Minister decided he needed a visual demonstration to add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four live worms into four
separate jars, the first filled with alcohol, the second filled with cigarette smoke, the third filled with chocolate syrup, the fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol, dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke, dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup, dead. Fourth in good clean soil, alive. So he asked the congregation what did they learn from this demonstration.
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t get worms!”
The Other Place
One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband started rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turned over.
A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
“You used to hold my hand when we were courting,” she said.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later, she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red too. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
On The Game
A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said, “How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught.”
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tones of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, “What’s wrong with Stout?”
Bloke says, “I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint.”
Barman says, “12 pints of anything costs about the same.”
Bloke replies, “Skint’s my dog.”
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I’d try to lighten Mahmood.
Wife says to husband, “You only ever want sex when you’re drunk.”
Husband says, “That’s not true. Sometimes I want a kebab.”
My son asked me today what’s the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have heavy beaks and fan-shaped tails. A black bird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
I bought the wife a memory stick, it’s great! She hasn’t forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. “I’ve run over a pig and it’s stuck under the tractor still alive.”
“Shoot it,” says the farmer, “and then bury it.”
About 20 minutes later he gets another call. “Done that. What should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?”
Sky News Report
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in three ships, two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said “Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.”
“What trick?” she asked?
“The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!”
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said “What did you say?”
He said, “The ‘c’ word.”
I said, “It wasn’t clever, was it?
He said, “No, it was cunt.”
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Mt Druitt.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock. They had no fucking idea they had a job centre!
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says, “I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
The woman says, “Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?”
“Not a clue,” he says, “but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!”
The Japanese Government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!
Judge Judy to prostitute: “When did you realise you were raped?”
Prostitute (wiping away tears): “When the cheque bounced.”
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Helloooo, just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Life in a Mental Hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replies, “Can’t talk right now, I’m driving to Melbourne!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day she enters Charlie’s room and asks, “Well, Charlie, how was your trip?”
Charlie says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.”
“That’s great,” replies the nurse. “I’m glad you had a safe trip.”
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patient’s room. There she finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, “Ed, what are you doing?”
To which Ed replies: “Shhh, I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Melbourne.”
His request approved, the Channel Nine News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go.”
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m a photographer for Channel Nine,” he responded, “and I need to get some close-up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me… is… you’re not my flight instructor?”
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice: “And how are we doing this morning,” or “Are we ready for a bath,” or “Are we hungry?”
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bedside stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing, so you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. “My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying: “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.”
The nurse threw up; old Harold just smiled…
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women—she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store:
Dear Mrs Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and we have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.
August 14: Moved a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “Pick me! Pick me!”
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”
October 23:Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room.
October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”
Police Officers Comments
You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.
Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.
If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.
You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor.
Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs and step in horse poop.
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster.
Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?
No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
Senior citizens are the nation’s leading carriers of aids! Hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, government aids,
most of all, financial aids to their children!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing).
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right—only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it, so I said, “Implants?”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
I couldn’t find that damn thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday?
How I got Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday.
I thought, “Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.”
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word, so when I left for the factory, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked to my forklift, my sexy little co-worker, Debbie, said, “Good morning, Chuck, and by the way, Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Debbie came over to my area and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Debbie, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go to the local boozer where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two bourbons each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the factory, Debbie said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we?”
I responded, “I s’pose not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my place. It’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her house, Debbie turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there,
on the couch,
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
Cutting the Grass
When our lawnmower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first—the shed, the bike, making beer—always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Got a phone call from my mate last night.
He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me he’d acquired a
brand new, top of the range, camera absolutely free.
I asked, “Where did you get that?”
He said, “I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the Opera House and was
just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I
would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera.
They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button, I called out to them, ‘Wave’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again.”
Out For Dinner
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started...
Guy in Vagas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s hamburger joint on the corner?”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1000?”
The hooker replies, “$1500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us. All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?”
”Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
No,” the hooker replies, “but I would… if I had a pussy.”
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Your child has delusions of adequacy.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
This child has been working with glue too much.
When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain’t coming.
If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
The Last Census
Would you believe it, as a result of the last census, they sent back my form.
In answer to the question, ‘Do I have any dependents?’ I answered, ‘Yes’ and listed them: Asylum-seekers, illegal immigrants, dole-bludgers, smack-heads, recidivists (convicted criminals who reoffend), career single-mums, public-fund supported alternative life-stylers, the ABC, State and Federal Government employees, officious job’s-worths at Centrelink, gouging banks, flaky financial-advisors, the Indonesian education system, ungrateful bastards receiving Australian foreign aid in places unheard of for purposes that appear inexplicable, and the criminal classes of Europe and Africa who have been allowed in, never to work again, and have begun new careers in crime.
Apparently this wasn’t an acceptable answer. I ask you: did I misinterpret the question?
A priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese business man, and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes.”
The Indian doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf.”
The Chinese business man called out, “Move it, time is money.”
The priest said, “Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hello, George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they.”
George replied, “Oh yes, that’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight in an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad I think I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The Indian doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The Chinese business man replied, “I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls.”
The Aussie said, ”Why can’t they fucking play at night?”
Mythical and Deep
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.
He replied, “She called Five Horses.”
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?”
The old Indian answered, “It old Indian name. It mean nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.”
“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”
When the groom took off his pants, his bride asked, “What’s wrong with your knees? They’re all lumpy and deformed!”
“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. ”Let me guess, smallcox!”
Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and a South African went to a night club.
The bouncer said: “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
The shop assistant asks, “Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
The shop assistant says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Irish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Bunnings.”
A Muslim kid can’t find his mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says, “What does your mum look like?”
The kid says, “I don’t know.”
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.
Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row.
The teacher asked Billy why he had decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Gillard fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a Gillard fan?”
“Because I’m a Liberal.”
The teacher asked him why he was a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, “Well, my mum’s a Liberal and my dad’s a Liberal, so I’m a Liberal.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Billy replied, “That would make me a Gillard fan.”
Bunch of Flowers
Paddy arrives at his new girlfriend’s house with a big bunch of flowers. He rings the door bell.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, drags him in, lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, “This is for the flowers!”
“Don’t be silly,” says Paddy. “You must have a vase somewhere...”
A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and asked, “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
He replied, “I’ve been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats; then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am I doing so far?”
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they came across a sign: Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
“I am entering!” said Snow White.
After half an hour, she came out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”
“I won First Place,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: Contest for the strongest man in the world.
“I’m entering,” said Superman.
After half an hour, he returned and they ask him, “How did you make out?”
“I won First Place too,” answered Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a third sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?
Pinocchio quickly entered the contest.
After half an hour, he returned with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Who the hell is Julia Gillard?” asked Pinocchio.
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going like magic,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...”
Archie nods approvingly.
“Hell, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie. “That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
“Ach,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”
My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her around and talking behind her back. She’s in a bloody wheel chair for goodness sake!
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa. Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
White & Hairy
Q. What’s white and hairy and roots around in the bush??
A. Me on a camping trip.
Two police women are out on foot patrol with their detection dog.
One says, “I’m getting a bit cold and I’ve left my thermal knickers back at the station.”
The other says, “Use the dog, give him a sniff of your pussy and he’ll fetch them for you.”
So she let’s the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.
Two hours later he returns with a baton, a 12 inch Maglite torch and three of the Sergeant’s fingers.”
A man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
"Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks.
“It’s me,” he replies, “talking to the beer.”
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test in Australia, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual, he was asked to strip off. He lay naked on his side on the bed and the young and beautiful nurse began the examination.
“At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” said the nurse.
“I haven’t got an erection,” said the man.
“Not you, me,” replied the nurse.
When I Die
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other arsehole
using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another arsehole?”
East Indian Cab Driver
A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab. The East Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the car.
“What’s wrong with you, sunshine, haven’t you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I’ll not be staring at you, lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper where I am coming from.”
“Well if you’re not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?”
“Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that—2:30 am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection... but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge when a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, “Dave, that’s one of the nicest, most respectful things I’ve ever seen.”
Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years. It’s the least I can do.”
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Feck that,” says Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind.”
Man calls 000 and says, “I think my wife is dead.”
The operator says how do you know?
He says, “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and the bastards sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today. At least I presume she was poor—she only had $1.20 in her purse.
The Confessional Box
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, and I must admit, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
“Get out, you idiot,” the priest says. “You’re on my side.”
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway in London. Policeman says, “Do you know the limit is 70?”
The driver leans into the back and says, “Hear that! Three of you have to get out.”
Visit to the Zoo
Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.
“Bollocks to that,” said Paddy, “That’s the last time I go lion dancing.”
The Bunk Bed
Sixty three Pakistanis died in London this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Trycoxsagain.
Star Trek & Obama
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”
President Obama said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, Su Lu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.
President Obama smiled, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered back, “Because it takes place in the future.”
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
“Hello toes. How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday toes!
“Hello, knees. How are you? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees.”
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
“Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!”
Told Him So
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof.”
“Oh, aye, really? Hmm! I didna know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates. “I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn’t care!”
“You just don’t know how to set him off. Watch and learn,” said the second Englishman who walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder. “Hey, Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!”
“Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You’re right. He is unshakeable!”
The third Englishman said, “No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You just watch.”
The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!”
“Aye! So yer mates were sayin’.”
You Know You’re Australian If…
You know the meaning of the word ‘girt’.
You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
You think it’s normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet.
You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom.
You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.
You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’.
You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional.
You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’.
You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.
You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’.
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’.
You wear ugh boots outside the house.
You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name, the more you like them.
You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.
You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion, via your nose.
You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’.
You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs— just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
Stammerers Action Group
Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up, “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”
“That’s no use, Trevor,” said the speech therapist. “Who’s next?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley.”
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, “London.”
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry.”
I Don’t Know
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said, “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
“Come in and sit down,” I said. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Damned if I know,” he said. “I’ve never got this far before.”
Australia’s Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr President. There’s a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”
Queenslanders Are A Tough Bunch
During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on the roof of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.
“Do you see that hat?” said the girl in amazement. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” replied the boy. “It’s only my dad. This morning my mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today.”
Give Me a Kiss
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting, why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl...”
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical terrorist ranting on about Western aggression, lose his footing and fall into the Swan River.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn’t arrived. I’m beginning to think I’ve wasted a frigging stamp!
One Monday morning, Postman Pat is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Postman Pat comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I.”
Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, “How do you play Who Am I?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughs and says, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded. “Your name came up seven times.”
I’ve just heard from a friend in who lives out west. He says it has been raining heavily for three days now. His wife has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn’t stop soon he’ll probably have to let her in.
A lady walked into a police station and the Desk Sergeant said, “Can I help you?”
“Yes,” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sexual assault.”
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road,” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg.”
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman,” said the Sergeant.
“Yes,” said the lady. “He was an Aussie cricketer.”
That’s very observant,” said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”
“No,” she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long.”
Short Irish Jokes
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. ”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope ‘DO NOT BEND’.
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!
Paddy shouting frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.
“No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “For God’s sake, Paddy, it’s your air freshener swinging about!”
Paddy is in jail.
A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What on earth are ye doing?" he asks.
“Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck," says the guard.
“I know," says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
Get The Message
Man said to wife, “Right, you sexy thing, to the bedroom, now!”
She looked at him and said, “Ooh, you kinky bastard.”
He said, “No, seriously, the footy’s starting—fuck off!”
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?”
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night, the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets around), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please, barman.”
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please, barman."
The barman says, “I’m sorry, rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of ham and cheese toasties.”
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.”
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will like it.”
The barman, with a roguish smile, says, “Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.”
”Okay,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.”
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves—never to return!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served four drinks tonight, three of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, “Who are you?”
“I am the ghost of the rabbit who used to frequent your public house.”
The barman says, “I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.”
The rabbit says, “Yes, I know.”
The barman says, “I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead.”
The rabbit said, “Yes, you promised me that I would love it.”
The barman said, “You never came back—what happened?”
“I died,” said the rabbit.
“No!” said the barman. “What from?”
After a short pause, the rabbit said, “Mixin-me-toasties.”
Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Wiremu’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal, Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Rangi just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked. “It’s my 18th birthday so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Wiremu’s troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you fuck-wit, and you were born in December!”
A man was rushed to hospital in Perth when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his backside. Doctors described his condition as stable.
A young couple who had just met at a party, decide to leave together. They walked hand in hand and, as they strolled, the young man’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I really do need to have a piss.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, warm, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He gasps in horror, “My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?”
“No,” she replies, “I’ve changed my mind; I’m having a shit instead.”
Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It’s an incentive for staff to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. It increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care when you are pissed.
7. It eliminates leave time because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are drunk.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at a bar after work.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. It eliminates the need for employees to get drunk only on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up if they can stay drunk.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100-years-old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars.”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 km/h!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped rider asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right but I’ll stick with my Moped.”
Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 km/h.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be. And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster.
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 km/h. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 km/h.
And he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 km/h.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor. Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Yes, can you unhook my suspenders from your side rear view mirror!”
Visit to the Zoo
Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”
“Am I hurt?” he shouts. “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”
Went to Centrelink this morning to sign on my dog.
The woman said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit.”
I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, idle, can’t speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country!
How is Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says, “Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
”Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon—every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage. We ees in the desert, don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe, go back, man. You was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees, ees, ess, ess... ess a ham bush!”
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience.”
Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way up to the podium.
“So, Ahmed,” the professor says, “tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
“Oh shit!” says Ahmed. “I thought you said goats!”
I’ve just found out I can still have sex at 72!
I am so happy because I live at number 68
and it’s not far to walk home.
This Is How It Works
It’s a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day, a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The motel owner gives him keys to a few rooms.
As soon as the rich tourist walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him ‘services’ on credit. The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100. The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
The traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government’s stimulus package works.
The Rat & the Mouse
A rat that had had nothing to eat for days, found its self in the bedroom of an old house. Hearing singing, he crawled under the bed and followed the singing which was coming from a potty. The rat looked over the top of the potty, and to his surprise, saw a mouse rowing around in a matchbox.
The mouse rowed over and said “Are you lost mate?”
The rat said, “Yeah, and I’m starving, is there any grub around?”
The mouse told him to go into the cupboard through a hole in the wall and into the kitchen.
“Thanks a lot. Are there any cats or dogs in there?”
“No nothing,” the mouse said and carried on rowing.
A few minutes later the rat reappeared. He was covered in bite marks and his tail and most of his fur were missing.
“Look at me,” the rat said. “You said there were no cats or dogs down there and I didn’t get any grub.”
The mouse shrugged and said, “You don’t want to take any notice of me. I’ve been on the piss all day.”
Happy to See Me
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself.”
Great Shark Wisdom
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark as they swam towards the ship. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message: “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
The other one says, “So are you, you fat bastard!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore.”