Home of the Aussie Biker Culture

Selected jokes from previous issues.

Enlarger
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did… she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

The Agony of Dyslexia
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!

Las Vegas Churches
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Teddy Bears
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

The Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says, “Yes, how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replies, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies, “Didn’t feel a thing.”

Bless Me Father
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Little Toe
An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, “You remind me of my little toe.”
She replies, “What? You mean I’m small and cute?”
He says, “No. Ill probably bang you on the coffee table later when I’m drunk.”

The Lamb
A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep.
In his defence he said it was Islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.

Our Anniversary
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said, “Son, that’s three schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot…”

Question: Are there too many immigrants in Australia?
17 percent said yes; 11 percent said no; 72 percent said, “I am not understanding the question please.”

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

The Change
The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dick-heads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pricks. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?”
He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-Dave.”

Local police are hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Guinness Drinker
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
“I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits,” he says.
“You dirty bastard!” shouts the barmaid. “Get out before I get my husband.”
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
“I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off.”
“You dirty filthy pervert!” she yells. “You’re banned. Get out!”
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
“One more chance,” says the barmaid. “Now, what do you want?”
“I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup.”
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion and runs upstairs to fetch her husband who’s sitting quietly watching the TV.
“What’s up love?” he asks.
“There’s a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she says.
“I’ll kill him. Where is he?” storms the husband.
“Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off,” she screams.
“Right. He’s dead!” says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all,” she cries.
The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the TV back on.
“Aren’t you going to do something about it?” she cries hysterically.
“Look, love, I’m not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness.”

Lawn Cut
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a lorry went by loaded with rolls of turf.
“I gonna do that when I win the lottery,” says Paddy.
“What’s dat?” says Mick.
“Send me lawn away to be cut,” says Paddy.

Wong and Wong
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “Well Mr Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ”Well, two Wongs don’t make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong.”

Barracks Door
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.’ ”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.’ ”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his ‘barracks door’. He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’ ”
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”

Boo
I found my girlfriend dead in the bed the other day. She just lay there lifeless, so I decided to shag her one last time.
All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!
Honestly, some people are sick in the fucking head!

Bringing Her back
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
“I can get away from him, no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 km/h, then 220, then 240 km/h.
Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” said the policeman.

The Voice
Entering a classroom at Marine Corps Air Station, Yuma, a female Marine Captain, encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.
She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that, unfortunately, she had not been selected because the analysis revealed that her particular voice pattern had a tendency to lull male homosexuals to sleep.
The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the instruction.

Finish What You Start
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to achieve inner peace we should always finish things we start.
We all could use more calm in our lives so I looked around my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t yet finished. I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, ana box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frinds who need inner piss.
An telum u luvum.

Big Baby
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone, and as he listens to the call, he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects, he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.
“Well,” he announces, “my wife’s just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.”
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, “That’s about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of “strewth” were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman says “You’re the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in two weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, “Had him circumcised!”

Male Sensitivity
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier, just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass.”
She looked at the men in the room, “And gentlemen, remember, you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
“Yes,” asked the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Paddy and Murphy
Paddy and Murphy go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus!

Paddy calls Jetstar to book a flight.
The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?”
Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your feckin’ plane!”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The Foreman shouts, “Paddy, you’re mad, go home.”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy, “the whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the USA prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Murphy, the Irish husband of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach, was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head at which point Murphy said, “I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says, “To hell with this!” and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, “What did you do?”
Paddy replies, “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”

Murphy says to Paddy, “What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?”
“I’m sending a voicemail, ya thick sod!”

Paddy and Murphy decided to swap partners for the night.
After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, “I wonder how the girls are getting on.”

Wrong Man
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

The Preacher Man
A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, a homeless man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Mulrunji replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. And the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?”
Mulrunji answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ‘til next week.”

Irish Speedos
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach Australia, couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
“Mate, it’s obvious,” says the lifeguard. “You’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. You’re best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m tellin’ ya, mate, you’ll have all the babes ya want!”
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick.
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard and asked him, “What’s wrong now?”
“Bloody Hell,” said the lifeguard. “Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!”

The Light Goes Off
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Harry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof, the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry’s wife. “Mrs White,” he says. “Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh good grief!” Mrs White exclaims. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”

Dublin Doctor
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks, “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did, sir,” says Murphy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts, ‘Help me for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”
“Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”

Talk in Sleep
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Nice Restaurant
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
“Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?” she said.
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll treat her!”
So we walked past it again!

Learning About Each Other
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After 75 laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
”No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray.”

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess to marry him.
The Princess said no and the Prince lived happily ever after; and rode motorcycles and banged skinny, long-legged, big tittied broads; and hunted and fished and raced cars; and went to naked bars and dated women half his age; and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan; and never heard bitching and never paid child support; and banged cheer-leaders; and kept his house and guns; and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts; and never got cheated on while he was at work; and all his friends and family thought he was firkin cool as hell; and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

Celibacy
While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Ray and his wife Charlotte listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”
Ray leaned over, touched Charlotte’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s self-raising, isn’t it?”
And thus began Ray’s life of celibacy.

Brave Firefighters
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, WA, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to them and said, “All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa Volunteer Fire Department composed mainly of firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old age firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The ‘on camera’ reporter asked the aging fire chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,’ said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, “de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck.”

Misunderstanding
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a ‘roger’. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

Alphabet
A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled and said, “Oh, that’s sweet, but what about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding.”
His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.

Plane Crash
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilised and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.
“John,” the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.
“Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?”
“Nope. They’s all got killed straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”
“Gillard is dead?” the inspector asked.
“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “She kept saying she wasn’t but you know what a liar she is.”

Late Phone Call
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, although it was late, she called the vet who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.

Tasmanians
Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Cliff, your neighbour from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 pm.”
“Great,” says Tom, “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.”
“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of them.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting too.”
“Well, I get along with people; I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More ‘n’ likely be some wild sex, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

Global Crisis
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational: the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Friends Meeting
Two female friends are catching up.
“So, how was your evening last night?”
“A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, ‘granted’ me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. And you?”
“Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.”
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are ‘networking’.
“So, how was your evening last night?”
“Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?”
“A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn’t find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful. Dinner was so expensive that I couldn’t afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...”

Bless Me Father
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
”Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”

A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Time machine
Barak and Julia are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout which reads: The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.
Julia thinks, “It’s not bad, this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that,” so she asks, ”What will Australia be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and she gets a printout. But she just stares at it.
”Come on, Julia,” says Barak, “what does it say”?”
“Buggered if I know,” Julia replies. It’s all in Arabic!”

Embarrassed
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, “No, sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, sir.”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… Are… my… test… results… back?”


Four Worms
A Minister decided he needed a visual demonstration to add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four live worms into four separate jars, the first filled with alcohol, the second filled with cigarette smoke, the third filled with chocolate syrup, the fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol, dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke, dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup, dead. Fourth in good clean soil, alive. So he asked the congregation what did they learn from this demonstration.
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t get worms!”

The Other Place
One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband started rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turned over.
A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
“You used to hold my hand when we were courting,” she said.
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later, she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red too. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

On The Game
A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said, “How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught.”

Fuel Problems
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tones of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

Stout Drinker
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout.
Barman asks, “What’s wrong with Stout?”
Bloke says, “I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint.”
Barman says, “12 pints of anything costs about the same.”
Bloke replies, “Skint’s my dog.”

Bleach
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I’d try to lighten Mahmood.

That’s True
Wife says to husband, “You only ever want sex when you’re drunk.”
Husband says, “That’s not true. Sometimes I want a kebab.”

The Difference
My son asked me today what’s the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have heavy beaks and fan-shaped tails. A black bird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

Memory Stick
I bought the wife a memory stick, it’s great! She hasn’t forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Discovery Channel
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.

The Pig
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. “I’ve run over a pig and it’s stuck under the tractor still alive.”
“Shoot it,” says the farmer, “and then bury it.”
About 20 minutes later he gets another call. “Done that. What should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?”

Sky News Report
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in three ships, two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.

The Trick
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said “Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.”
“What trick?” she asked?
“The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!”

Swearing
My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said “What did you say?”
He said, “The ‘c’ word.”
I said, “It wasn’t clever, was it?
He said, “No, it was cunt.”

Job Centre
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Mt Druitt.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock. They had no fucking idea they had a job centre!

Lost Wife
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says, “I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
The woman says, “Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?”
“Not a clue,” he says, “but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!”

Rescue Dogs
The Japanese Government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!

Another Cheque
Judge Judy to prostitute: “When did you realise you were raped?”
Prostitute (wiping away tears): “When the cheque bounced.”

Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Helloooo, just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Life in a Mental Hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replies, “Can’t talk right now, I’m driving to Melbourne!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day she enters Charlie’s room and asks, “Well, Charlie, how was your trip?”
Charlie says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.”
“That’s great,” replies the nurse. “I’m glad you had a safe trip.”
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patient’s room. There she finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, “Ed, what are you doing?”
To which Ed replies: “Shhh, I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Melbourne.”

The Flight
His request approved, the Channel Nine News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go.”
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m a photographer for Channel Nine,” he responded, “and I need to get some close-up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me… is… you’re not my flight instructor?”

Old Harold
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice: “And how are we doing this morning,” or “Are we ready for a bath,” or “Are we hungry?”
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bedside stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing, so you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. “My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying: “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.”
The nurse threw up; old Harold just smiled…

Retired Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women—she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store:
Dear Mrs Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and we have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’ This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.
August 14: Moved a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “Pick me! Pick me!”
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”
October 23:Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room.
October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.”

Police Officers Comments
You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.
Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.
If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.
You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor.
Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs and step in horse poop.
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster.
Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?
No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

Aids Warning
Senior citizens are the nation’s leading carriers of aids! Hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, government aids, most of all, financial aids to their children! Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing).

Short Jokes
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right—only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it, so I said, “Implants?”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The Thingy
I couldn’t find that damn thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday?

How I got Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday.
I thought, “Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.”
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word, so when I left for the factory, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked to my forklift, my sexy little co-worker, Debbie, said, “Good morning, Chuck, and by the way, Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Debbie came over to my area and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Debbie, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go to the local boozer where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two bourbons each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the factory, Debbie said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we?”
I responded, “I s’pose not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my place. It’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her house, Debbie turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there, on the couch, naked…

The Gift
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

Watching TV
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started...

The Celebration
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...

Cutting the Grass
When our lawnmower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first—the shed, the bike, making beer—always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The Wave
Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me he’d acquired a brand new, top of the range, camera absolutely free.
I asked, “Where did you get that?”
He said, “I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button, I called out to them, ‘Wave’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again.”

Out For Dinner
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started...

Guy in Vagas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s hamburger joint on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1000?”
The hooker replies, “$1500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us. All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?”
”Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“ No,” the hooker replies, “but I would… if I had a pussy.”

Teachers Comments
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Your child has delusions of adequacy.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
This child has been working with glue too much.
When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain’t coming.
If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

The Last Census
Would you believe it, as a result of the last census, they sent back my form.
In answer to the question, ‘Do I have any dependents?’ I answered, ‘Yes’ and listed them: Asylum-seekers, illegal immigrants, dole-bludgers, smack-heads, recidivists (convicted criminals who reoffend), career single-mums, public-fund supported alternative life-stylers, the ABC, State and Federal Government employees, officious job’s-worths at Centrelink, gouging banks, flaky financial-advisors, the Indonesian education system, ungrateful bastards receiving Australian foreign aid in places unheard of for purposes that appear inexplicable, and the criminal classes of Europe and Africa who have been allowed in, never to work again, and have begun new careers in crime.
Apparently this wasn’t an acceptable answer. I ask you: did I misinterpret the question?

Blind Golfers
A priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese business man, and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes.”
The Indian doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf.”
The Chinese business man called out, “Move it, time is money.”
The priest said, “Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hello, George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they.”
George replied, “Oh yes, that’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight in an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad I think I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The Indian doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The Chinese business man replied, “I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls.”
The Aussie said, ”Why can’t they fucking play at night?”

Mythical and Deep
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name. He replied, “She called Five Horses.”
The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?”
The old Indian answered, “It old Indian name. It mean nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!

Honeymoon
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.”
“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked.
“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.”
When the groom took off his pants, his bride asked, “What’s wrong with your knees? They’re all lumpy and deformed!”
“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
“Don’t tell me,” she said. ”Let me guess, smallcox!”

Politically Correct
Apparently it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and a South African went to a night club.
The bouncer said: “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

Irish Racism
A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
The shop assistant asks, “Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
The shop assistant says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Irish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Bunnings.”

Muslim Kid
A Muslim kid can’t find his mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says, “What does your mum look like?”
The kid says, “I don’t know.”

Gillard Fan
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.
Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row.
The teacher asked Billy why he had decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Gillard fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a Gillard fan?”
“Because I’m a Liberal.”
The teacher asked him why he was a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, “Well, my mum’s a Liberal and my dad’s a Liberal, so I’m a Liberal.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Billy replied, “That would make me a Gillard fan.”

Bunch of Flowers
Paddy arrives at his new girlfriend’s house with a big bunch of flowers. He rings the door bell.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, drags him in, lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, “This is for the flowers!”
“Don’t be silly,” says Paddy. “You must have a vase somewhere...”

Lemon Picker
A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and asked, “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
He replied, “I’ve been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats; then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am I doing so far?”

First Place
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they came across a sign: Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
“I am entering!” said Snow White.
After half an hour, she came out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”
“I won First Place,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: Contest for the strongest man in the world.
“I’m entering,” said Superman.
After half an hour, he returned and they ask him, “How did you make out?”
“I won First Place too,” answered Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a third sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world? Pinocchio quickly entered the contest.
After half an hour, he returned with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Who the hell is Julia Gillard?” asked Pinocchio.

The Kilt
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going like magic,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...”
Archie nods approvingly.
“Hell, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie. “That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
“Ach,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”

Misunderstood
My wife told me last night that she is fed up with me pushing her around and talking behind her back. She’s in a bloody wheel chair for goodness sake!

By Mistake
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa. Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

White & Hairy
Q. What’s white and hairy and roots around in the bush??
A. Me on a camping trip.

Good Doggie
Two police women are out on foot patrol with their detection dog.
One says, “I’m getting a bit cold and I’ve left my thermal knickers back at the station.”
The other says, “Use the dog, give him a sniff of your pussy and he’ll fetch them for you.”
So she let’s the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.
Two hours later he returns with a baton, a 12 inch Maglite torch and three of the Sergeant’s fingers.”

Beer Eyes
A man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, “I love you.”
"Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks.
“It’s me,” he replies, “talking to the beer.”

Overseas Test
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test in Australia, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual, he was asked to strip off. He lay naked on his side on the bed and the young and beautiful nurse began the examination.
“At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” said the nurse.
“I haven’t got an erection,” said the man.
“Not you, me,” replied the nurse.

When I Die
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other arsehole using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another arsehole?”

East Indian Cab Driver
A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab. The East Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the car.
“What’s wrong with you, sunshine, haven’t you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I’ll not be staring at you, lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper where I am coming from.”
“Well if you’re not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?”
“Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”

Early Morning
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that—2:30 am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Train Ride
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection... but she did.

Last Night
The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Fishing Friends
Two friends are fishing near a bridge when a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, “Dave, that’s one of the nicest, most respectful things I’ve ever seen.”
Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years. It’s the least I can do.”

Dog Owner
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Feck that,” says Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind.”

The Operator
Man calls 000 and says, “I think my wife is dead.”
The operator says how do you know?
He says, “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

Blind Girl
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”

Big Purchase
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and the bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

Old Lady
I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today. At least I presume she was poor—she only had $1.20 in her purse.

The Confessional Box
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, and I must admit, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
“Get out, you idiot,” the priest says. “You’re on my side.”

Overloaded
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway in London. Policeman says, “Do you know the limit is 70?”
The driver leans into the back and says, “Hear that! Three of you have to get out.”

Visit to the Zoo
Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.
“Bollocks to that,” said Paddy, “That’s the last time I go lion dancing.”

The Bunk Bed
Sixty three Pakistanis died in London this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA

Try This
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It’s called Trycoxsagain.

Star Trek & Obama
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”
President Obama said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, Su Lu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians on Star Trek.
President Obama smiled, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered back, “Because it takes place in the future.”

Happy Birthday
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
“Hello toes. How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday toes!
“Hello, knees. How are you? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees.”
Then, he looked down at his crotch.
“Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!”

Told Him So
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar. The first one said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof.”
“Oh, aye, really? Hmm! I didna know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates. “I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn’t care!”
“You just don’t know how to set him off. Watch and learn,” said the second Englishman who walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder. “Hey, Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!”
“Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You’re right. He is unshakeable!”
The third Englishman said, “No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You just watch.” The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!”
“Aye! So yer mates were sayin’.”

You Know You’re Australian If…
You know the meaning of the word ‘girt’.
You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
You think it’s normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet.
You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something legal such as watering the garden.
When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom.
You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.
You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’.
You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional.
You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’.
You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.
You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’.
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’.
You wear ugh boots outside the house.
You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name, the more you like them.
You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.
You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion, via your nose.
You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’.
You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs— just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.

Stammerers Action Group
Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up, “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”
“That’s no use, Trevor,” said the speech therapist. “Who’s next?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley.”
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?” The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, “London.”
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry.”

I Don’t Know
There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said, “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
“Come in and sit down,” I said. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Damned if I know,” he said. “I’ve never got this far before.”

Australia’s Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr President. There’s a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

Queenslanders Are A Tough Bunch
During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on the roof of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.
“Do you see that hat?” said the girl in amazement. “First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” replied the boy. “It’s only my dad. This morning my mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today.”

Give Me a Kiss
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting, why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl...”

Civil Duty
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical terrorist ranting on about Western aggression, lose his footing and fall into the Swan River.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn’t arrived. I’m beginning to think I’ve wasted a frigging stamp!

Postman Pat
One Monday morning, Postman Pat is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Postman Pat comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I.”
Postman Pat thinks a moment and says, “How do you play Who Am I?”
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The postman laughs and says, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

Wet Wife
I’ve just heard from a friend in who lives out west. He says it has been raining heavily for three days now. His wife has done nothing but stare through the window. If it doesn’t stop soon he’ll probably have to let her in.

Very Observant
A lady walked into a police station and the Desk Sergeant said, “Can I help you?”
“Yes,” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sexual assault.”
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road,” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg.”
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman,” said the Sergeant.
“Yes,” said the lady. “He was an Aussie cricketer.”
That’s very observant,” said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”
“No,” she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long.”

Short Irish Jokes
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. ”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat. It says on the envelope ‘DO NOT BEND’. He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.
“No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “For God’s sake, Paddy, it’s your air freshener swinging about!”

Paddy is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What on earth are ye doing?" he asks.
“Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck," says the guard.
“I know," says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

Get The Message
Man said to wife, “Right, you sexy thing, to the bedroom, now!”
She looked at him and said, “Ooh, you kinky bastard.”
He said, “No, seriously, the footy’s starting—fuck off!”

Rabbit Tails
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie?”
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night, the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets around), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please, barman.”
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please, barman."
The barman says, “I’m sorry, rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of ham and cheese toasties.”
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie.”
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will like it.”
The barman, with a roguish smile, says, “Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.”
”Okay,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie.”
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves—never to return!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served four drinks tonight, three of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, “Who are you?”
“I am the ghost of the rabbit who used to frequent your public house.”
The barman says, “I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.”
The rabbit says, “Yes, I know.”
The barman says, “I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead.”
The rabbit said, “Yes, you promised me that I would love it.”
The barman said, “You never came back—what happened?”
“I died,” said the rabbit.
“No!” said the barman. “What from?”
After a short pause, the rabbit said, “Mixin-me-toasties.”

NZ Story
Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Wiremu’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal, Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Rangi just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked. “It’s my 18th birthday so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Wiremu’s troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you fuck-wit, and you were born in December!”

Hospital Visit
A man was rushed to hospital in Perth when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his backside. Doctors described his condition as stable.

Young Folks
A young couple who had just met at a party, decide to leave together. They walked hand in hand and, as they strolled, the young man’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I really do need to have a piss.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, warm, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He gasps in horror, “My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?”
“No,” she replies, “I’ve changed my mind; I’m having a shit instead.”

Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It’s an incentive for staff to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. It increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care when you are pissed.
7. It eliminates leave time because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are drunk.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at a bar after work. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. It eliminates the need for employees to get drunk only on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up if they can stay drunk.

The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100-years-old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars.”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 km/h!” states the doctor proudly.
The Moped rider asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right but I’ll stick with my Moped.”
Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 km/h.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be. And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster.
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 km/h. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 km/h.
And he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 km/h.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor. Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Yes, can you unhook my suspenders from your side rear view mirror!”

Visit to the Zoo
Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”
“Am I hurt?” he shouts. “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written…”

My Dog
Went to Centrelink this morning to sign on my dog.
The woman said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit.”
I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, idle, can’t speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country!

How is Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says, “Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.” ”Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon.” With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon—every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage. We ees in the desert, don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe, go back, man. You was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees, ees, ess, ess... ess a ham bush!”

Ghosts
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience.”
Ahmed replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way up to the podium.
“So, Ahmed,” the professor says, “tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”
“Oh shit!” says Ahmed. “I thought you said goats!”

Short Walk
I’ve just found out I can still have sex at 72!
I am so happy because I live at number 68 and it’s not far to walk home.

This Is How It Works
It’s a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day, a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The motel owner gives him keys to a few rooms.
As soon as the rich tourist walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him ‘services’ on credit. The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100. The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
The traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government’s stimulus package works.

The Rat & the Mouse
A rat that had had nothing to eat for days, found its self in the bedroom of an old house. Hearing singing, he crawled under the bed and followed the singing which was coming from a potty. The rat looked over the top of the potty, and to his surprise, saw a mouse rowing around in a matchbox.
The mouse rowed over and said “Are you lost mate?”
The rat said, “Yeah, and I’m starving, is there any grub around?”
The mouse told him to go into the cupboard through a hole in the wall and into the kitchen.
“Thanks a lot. Are there any cats or dogs in there?”
“No nothing,” the mouse said and carried on rowing.
A few minutes later the rat reappeared. He was covered in bite marks and his tail and most of his fur were missing.
“Look at me,” the rat said. “You said there were no cats or dogs down there and I didn’t get any grub.”
The mouse shrugged and said, “You don’t want to take any notice of me. I’ve been on the piss all day.”

Happy to See Me
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walked past and said, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

Great Shark Wisdom
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark as they swam towards the ship. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

Short Laughs
Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message: “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
The other one says, “So are you, you fat bastard!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore.”