THERE COMES a time in every man’s life when he has to sit down and explain the meaning of life to his children. Of course it’s much easier to do this when they are over 21 and can take the occasional beverage.

Usually I travel to the USA alone, and ride alone or hook up with some locals. This trip had two major differences: I was taking my eldest (Jonny Big Ballz) and I had a arranged to guide/assist/chaperone some friends from Melbourne on their first trip to the USA.

Let me say up front that arranging other people’s trips is way more difficult than you think—others have different agendas, needs, wants, and time lines. I like to stay very flexible. Who knows who you will meet and then you may want to stay a little longer!

This year’s adventure was to Hawaii, Virginia, Tennessee, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Nevada, California, and places in between.

Target Hawaii

It must say it’s nice when you walk into a Harley dealership having been away for two years and people welcome you by name! Maybe it was my previous Hawaii TV appearance, my charm, my accent, or the fact that I played so hard last time.

On walking into the Hawaii HOG National Rally, I could hear the dulcet tones of another Aussie floating over the septic accent din. There he was, the epitome of an Aussie—tall, rugged, educated, and partly pissed. Needless to say Gazza from the Brisbane HOG and I hit it off well—who else could drink eight beers before dinner and then ask for the drink menu?

The National HOG Rally was the usual affair, except the organisers had arranged a transvestite Hawaiian folk group for entertainment. Upon their arrival, 1/3 of the audience left (probably Yanks from the Bible belt states), 1/3 sat mesmerised, and the others just watched and enjoyed. One thing is certain, if you need to pick on someone in the crowd for your show, doesn’t pick me! When I stuck my head between the tranny’s breasts and yelled, “Just as good as last night,” I think its act was doomed… strangely, they never came back to our table.

The Hawaiians thought it would be lovely if we got up at 5 am and watched the sunrise from Mount Why Kick A Moo Cow. I am proud to say, that after coming home at 2 am, I never saw the sunrise.

On our first night in Hawaii, Jonny Big Ballz arrived home at 5 am, attempted to get into bed and fell on the floor where he slept until midday. He assures me it was a good night and he spent it at a club drinking local beers which evidently were like Darwin stubbies.

Strangely, the second night was similar apart from the fact that he spent some time in the bathroom… I found out later not alone… some lost soul he was obviously consoling. In fact, most of Hawaii he spent sleeping on the floor in a mess of clothes and blankets.

Hawaii is an easy ride with good roads, great climate and the population is bike friendly. The Harley dealers are great guys and very hospitable, and will point you in the direction of the better rides. Don’t expect anything real challenging but the ocean and sidewalk views can be quite encouraging.

Roo’s Mis-Adventure continues next month…